CCC: So Jean-Claude

JC: Call me Skippy.

CCC: Skippy?

JC: Yes? I am the muscles from Brussels.

CCC: Uh, yeah. Anyways...How did you get your...

JC: Legionnare!!

CCC:.....what?

JC: I was in Legionnare!

CCC: Yes...yes you were. We'll get to that a little later, ok?

JC: Ok then. I love Thailand.

CCC: Right. So how did you get your start acting?

JC: Acting? Hahahahaha.

CCC: Hahaha...touche. So how did you get your start in...uhh...kicking things on-screen?

JC: Ah yes. I was delivering meatball sandwiches to my cousin Jean-Tito in my village, when I happened to see an old woman being attacked by a large man. I knew I had to do something, so I put the sandwich down, stripped off all my clothes except for my shorts, gave a few passing ladies my Jean-Claude Charisma...haha..get it? Jean-Claude Charisma...like my name, Jean-Cl...

CCC: I get it.

JC: See, itıs like my name...Jean-Claude Van Damme, except instead of the Van Damme, I say "charisma" so it keeps rolling with th...

CCC: I get it!!

JC: You know what?

CCC: What?

JC: I am the muscles from Brussels.

CCC: Yes, I know. So, continue on with the story, and stop winking at me.

JC: Story? Ah yes. Well anyway, the man is attacking the old woman, throwing her this way and that...I have to think quickly! So I stretched for a few minutes, dipped my head in water so it looks like I'm sweating, and ran towards the man, stopping maybe 10 metres from him. I say, "Hey you!" pointing my finger all around, cause you know, itıs rude to point but I figure, hey, this man is attacking an old woman, he deserves to be pointed at! So I say, "You leave her alone!" and the man looks at me all suprised. So I say to myself, this is my chance! I run up to the man and do my infamous jump spinning back hook helicopter kick at his head.

CCC: Wow...what happened?

JC: Well, I completely missed his head and killed a goose flying by. I fell down and the man is looking at me like I'M the one that's insane!! Then I hear this, "Cut! CUT!". It turns out that this was all a movie set!

CCC: Geez!

JC: I know! Geez! So the director comes over to me and says "I don't know who the hell you are, but that was a great kick!" I didn't get the man's name, but the movie they were filming? The Goonies.

CCC: Wait....I don't remember that scene in Goonies.

JC: Director's cut.

CCC: But I have the...

JC: So that's how I got started.


Jean-Claude and Alex stare at each other for a few seconds


CCC: ....ok. Umm...Bloodsport...

JC: Bloodsport! I was in that you know.

CCC: Ah...yeah. So Jean-Claude...

JC: Skippy.

CCC: Right. Skippy then. Bloodsport was...

JC: You know, like the peanut butter.

CCC: Come again?

JC: Skippy. The peanut butter. Not Jif! Skippy.

CCC: ...gotcha. So Bloodsport was considered your breakthrough performance. What was it like being the lead role?

JC: I ate alot of nuts on the set of Bloodsport. I think many people underestimate their nut intake.

CCC: Nut intake.

JC: Yes.

CCC: Ok then. Well, I, like many other people my age, were fans of yours when we were younger, but basically laugh at everything you say and do now.

JC: Hey, it happens.

CCC: It happens? Wow. I must say, I admire how well youıre taking this.

JC: Itıs ok because I know you will all be back when "Replicant" hits the cinemas. Itıs sure to knock your shoes off!

CCC: Umm...Skippy, "Replicant" already came out. It didnıt hit theatres. It went straight to video.

JC: What?

CCC: So, what is it like to have such a loyal fan base fade away so quickly?

JC: What do you mean "straight to video"?! No! Gilbert said it would be a smash! Break Titianic's record!

CCC: Gilbert?

JC: Yes! Gilbert Gottfried! The director.

CCC: GILBERT GOTTFRIED DIRECTED "REPLICANT"?!

JC: Yes...is that bad?

CCC: Holy crap. Yes. I knew you were down, but damn buddy...that's low.


At this point, Jean-Claude begins to cry.


JC: Oh no! My career is over! Over!! But...I donıt understand.

CCC: Understand what?

JC: If my career is so bad, why is "coolcelebrity.com" interviewing me?

CCC: "coolcelebrity.com"? What are you talking about?

JC: Don't you work for "coolcelebrity.com"?

CCC: Oh man...no. I work for "crappycelebrity.com".

JC: What? Oh God no! Why??!!

CCC: Didn't you think something odd was going on when you did movies with Dennis Rodman and Rob Schnieder back-to-back?

JC: I don't know. I can't even read.

CCC: Can't read? But you've written the scripts for some of your movies!

JC: I just hit keys. It is amazing what spell check can do these days.

CCC: Wait a minute. You're saying that you just hit keys at random, use spell check and somehow an intelligible story with characters is produced?

JC: Since when are my movies intelligible?

CCC: Good point.

JC: But now it's all over...oh God...what am I going to do?

CCC: Hey man, it's gonna be ok. Don't worry. You like meatball subs right? I can hook you up with a great job making subs all day long. As many subs as your eyes can see.

All interviews are completely untrue