CCC: Hi Steven. How are you?

SB: Hey man. Good.

CCC: Thanks for being here. Let's get started.

SB: Shoot.

CCC: So, you turned down the starring role for Speed which was a HUGE blockbuster and basically propelled Keanu Reeves into stardom. What the heck were you thinking?

SB: Oh man, I was an idiot. I still get messages every day from Keanu that say "Hey Steve, good job passing up Speed. When can we expect the third Flintstones movie?" Then he laughs and hangs up. Man I hate that guy.

CCC: So what have you been up to lately?

SB: Well, I've taken a cue from Paul Newman and started my own food company called "Stevie-Weevies".

CCC: No way.

SB: Yup. And all proceeds go to charity.

CCC: Well that's quite commendable. How much have you raised so far?

SB: 3 million.

CCC: 3 million dollars? Wow. Very impressive Steve.

SB: No, 3 Million Yen.

CCC: Yen? That's like $25,000. That's the price of one of your brother's rehab sessions.

SB: Yup! Beat that Paul Newman!

CCC: Uhh...Paul Newman has raised $125 million, Steve.

SB: Yen?

CCC: No, dollars.

SB:....oh...but have you tasted my "Super Stevie-Weevies Marshmallow Crunch"?

CCC: Uhh, no. Can't say that I have.

SB: Well here! Try some. You'll love it.

Steven takes out a box of "Super Stevie-Weevies Marshmallow Crunch" and passes it to Alex. Alex reaches in and grabs a handful and eats some.

CCC: What the? This are Lucky Charms.

SB: No...no they're not.

CCC: Did you just paste a picture of yourself over the leprachaun?

SB: I...uhh...no. No I didn't.

CCC: Yes you did. My God Steve. What's wrong with you?

SB: Nothing..I uhhh...here! Have a "Stevie-Weevies' Choco Crunch!"

CCC: That's a Kit-Kat! You just x-ed out the name with a marker and put your face on it.

SB: I..umm...uhhh....how...how dare you! I'm raising money for charity!

CCC: What charity, Steve?

SB: The CGA!

CCC: CGA? What's that?

SB: The..umm...the....the Canadian...the Canadian Gerbil Association!

CCC: You just made that up!

SB: No! It's true! I'm the co-founder. We raise money to prevent gerbil injuries.

CCC: What? What the heck kind of injuries do gerbils suffer from?

SB: Well....the....well, most people don't realize that hamster balls are scientifically designed for hamsters and hamsters only. Some people insert gerbils in the hamster balls thinking it's ok. But the fact of the matter is that gerbils can injure their spines in the hamster ball forcing them to miss work and put their families on welfare. If a gerbil can't work, a gerbil can't eat, Alex. Are you suppressing the rights for gerbils to earn a living?

CCC: Bio-Dome was more of a documentary for you, wasn't it?

SB: Huh huh...what?

CCC: Nothing. OK...umm...are there any films we can look foward to seeing you in?

SB: Well, I'm trying to get Braveheart 2 off the ground, but Mel Gibson never calls me back.

CCC: Braveheart 2? What would that be about?

SB: I'm thinking William Wallace and his canary, Melvin, could get into all kinds of wacky adventures. The English would like, uhh...try and steal all the leaves from Poland and William and Melvin would drive around in their Nova and recapture the leaves, selling them for taffy. Yeah. That'd be sweet.

CCC: Right. OK, well, before we go, where can one pick up some "Stevie-Weevies" products?

SB: Oh, ok. Just call the number on your screen and...

CCC: We're not televised, Steve.

SB: Then what's my Mom watching?

CCC: Probably Gilligan.

SB: Huh huh. That show ROCKS! GILLIGAN'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS SKIPPER! GET SOME!! WHOOOOOO!!!

CCC: Ok. I think we're outta of time here.

SB: Don't forget! You can pick up some "Stevie-Weevies" products at Alec's house! I'll be in the backyard. Just go around the house. I'll probably be in the pool so just leave the money on the table.


All interviews are completely untrue