CCC: How did you get your start in Hollywood?

SB: Well, I happened to be neighbors with the Sheen's, Charlie and Emilio. Me and Emilio really hit it off, we were always making little movies and writing stories. It was a really great time. Martin (or Mr. Sheen as I called him), would make us s'mores and play songs for us on his accordion. Childhood was really a blast for me.

CCC: Is any of that true?

SB: No.

CCC: So, again, how did you get your start in Hollywood?

SB: I used to tend sheep at Robert Redford's ranch. He didn't pay much, but he always let me rehearse with him. Like when he was reading the script for All the President's Men, I got to play Carl Bernstein, a role that eventually went to Dustin Hoffman. After a long day of rehearsal, Bob (only a few of us can actually call him that), would make me s'mores and play songs for me on his accordion.

CCC: OK, that's such a blatant lie that it's just stupid. If you're just gonna play around here, I'm not paying for that tuna melt.

SB: OK OK!!I'm sorry.

CCC: So, for the last time, how did you get your start in Hollywood?

Scott mumbles incoherently

CCC: What? I can't hear you.

SB: A Mott's applesauce commercial. I played Kid #4.

CCC: What was your line?

SB: Ohh, I don't remember. It was quite a while ago.

CCC: You remember.

SB: Honestly I don't.

CCC: Fine then. No pudding.

SB: All I got was this crummy fruit cup.

CCC: What?

SB: That was my line. "All I got was this crummy fruit cup."

CCC: Holy God.

SB: I know. I wanted to dig a hole the day that commercial came out. From then on I was known in school as "Sock-face Bakula".

CCC: That doesn't even make sense.

SB: Hey, kids are mean even when they're not making sense.

CCC: So how did you land the series "Quantum Leap"?

SB: Well, me, Harry Hamlin, Donald P. Bellisario (creator of Quantum) and Dave Winfield were at our monthly Magic: The Gathering party and Donald had a bit too much Shasta, so needless to say he passed out around 2 a.m. So me and Harry had an idea. When Donald woke up and asked what had happened, we told him that he promised me the lead role in his next series. Winfield wanted to tattle, but after Hamlin gave him a toilet swirly, he promised not to talk.

CCC: How come you got the role instead of Hamlin?

SB: Rock, paper, scissors.

CCC: I'll be damned.

SB: Yep, pretty funny actually. Of course when Donald found out what we did, he had the show canceled immediately. Lucky for me that wasn't until our 97th and final episode.

CCC: You've had quite a few small roles in big movies like American Beauty and Life as a House. No offense, but how do you get them?

SB: None taken. My agent tells everyone I'm Greg Kinnear.

CCC: So what happens when you show up?

SB: I've perfected the art of not showing up until it's time to film. By then, there's not enough time to replace me so I end up getting the role.

CCC: Son of a bitch.

SB: Actually, that's how Keanu Reeves got started. You know "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"?

CCC: Yeah.

SB: They thought they were getting Billy Dee Williams.

CCC: Wow. So how did you get the lead in your current series, "Enterprise"?

SB: I told everyone that on his deathbed, Gene Roddenberry (creator of Star Trek) said "Tell my wife and kids I love them...and give Scott Bakula a Star Trek series."

CCC: And people believed you?

SB: I'm still filming.

CCC: Damn. So what's in the future for you?

SB: Well, hopefully "Enterprise" will last a couple more seasons so I can get my Explorer paid off, and I heard from someone that in bad light, I kinda look like Wayne Gretzky, so maybe that'll be a whole new career for me.

CCC: You look nothing like Wayne Gretzky.

SB: Says you.

CCC: OK then. Well, thanks for your time Scott.

SB: No problem. See you around.


After the interview concluded, Alex noticed that Scott also had a piece of key lime pie to go. He then screamed "Damn you Bakula!" outside the restaurant.

All interviews are completely untrue