On his latest photo expedition, famed russian nature photographer Nikolai Potyeniv made a startling discovery while observing the little known giant penguins south of Antarctica. "I was trying to get good shot of penguins before they dive into water, when I noticed something quite unusual. One of penguins look very familiar to me, but I could not place it. After I zoom in, I am shocked at what I see!" And what exactly did Potyeniv see? "Chavez! It was Chavez!" "But who is 'Chavez'?" Well it's none other than B movie actor extrodinare, Lou Diamond Phillips. "Ohh, Chavez is big star in Russia! All children have long black hair and put knives through their arms!"

Lou Diamond Phillips? Star? But how? Well, the answer to that question is alot easier to come by than one would think. It seems that "Young Guns II" arrived in Moscow's Kmersckt Theater only weeks ago. But what the f*ck's with the penguin suit?

"I just couldn't take the glamour and money and fame anymore, man", said a fishy-breath Phillips. "I mean, people are always wanting something from you. You never know who's 'real' or not. I mean, I'm over at FAO Schwartz last year...all I wanna do is buy these Dragonball Z figures, and this lady's all like, 'Ohh...I need you to sign here'. Need!!?? Like she's gonna die if I don't give her my autograph? 'F you bitch!' I says to her!"

"He paid with a Mastercard, of course I need him to sign", said Cindy Bergman, FAO Schwartz cashier. "And he goes off into this tirade about how no one will 'leave him in peace'. Right. Like that'll make my life, an autograph from La Bamba. Then he takes this wiffle ball bat and starts beating the stuffed animals with it. So I call security, and then as they're dragging him out, he's all like 'See?? I need a police escort just to go in public!' What a nutjob."

"Screw that bitch!" says Phillips. "It's cause of people like her that I moved here. It's all cool though, me and Ernie are gonna start on 'Stand and Deliver 2: Death Pudding' next week. Right Erns?" Ernie the penguin then waddled away from Phillips as fast as he could.