PMT, a.k.a. Ricardo Tubbs from 80's detective show Miami Vice, has been seen only once since the series ended in 1989. This was at a small grocer in Lincoln, Nebraska, where he was seen purchasing 6 cans of vegetarian refried beans. When approached by a local patron and asked about his identity, PMT responded that yes, in fact, he was on "that cop show with the dude that married that dumb chick". However, rage ensued when he was then asked if the alligator on the show was real. He flew into a hysterical tantrum, grabbed 2 handfulls of taffy and stormed out the door. He then jumped into his 1986 sky blue Chrysler LeBaron and sped off, never to be heard from again.

Jason Bateman, once star of the hit 80's series, "The Hogan Family", is currently working on a reunion special. "It's been a real bitch", says Jason. I'm writing, producing, directing, starring....even catering. It's like I'm the only one that cares if this thing gets off the ground. I know everyone's busy, especially Sandy (Duncan) with her "Wheat Thins" commercials and all, but I always thought of us as almost...a real family, you know? Especially the other kids. I don't have any siblings of my own, so I wanted us to remain close". When reminded that Jason has a sister, Justine (Malory from Family Ties), he shruggs, saying "Never heard of her". "I mean, I'm a busy guy too, with my starring role in the current film "The Sweetest Thing" (Jason has under 3 minutes of screen time, but still insists that he's the star, not Cameron Diaz). Currently Jason can be seen renting Teen Wolf 2 at least once a week at Videorama in the valley.

Facing elimination this past sunday, the reigning NBA eastern conference champion Philadelphia 76'ers got a morale boost from, no, not last year's MVP Allen Iverson, but a veteran bench player who many thought had seen his last days on the hardwood. In what would be considered a star-studded performance by even His Airness' standards, Lotney Fratelli, a.k.a. "Sloth" of Goonies fame, threw up 37 points, grabbed 21 rebounds and dished out 9 assists, including an amazing alley-oop to all-star Iverson at the buzzer which kept the 76'ers season alive, if for only one more game. "He was incredible", teammate Aaron McKie commented. "Allen's (Iverson) shot was a bit off in the 1st half, and we really needed somebody to step up if we had any chance of winning this game, and step up he did."

"I didn't even know he was on the team," said coach Larry Brown, "but I called a timeout, and this figure runs out on the floor screaming about candy bars and Sean Astin, and literally throws Matt (Harping) back at the bench. We're out of timeouts, but this guys nails two 3's and snags a couple rebounds in less than 2 minutes of playing time, I don't care what movie he's been in, he's staying in!" If Sloth can keep this up, he'll see his current NBA contract, which consists of a Baby Ruth every quarter, at least triple this off-season when he becomes an unrestricted free agent.

Playstation 2, GameCube, XBOX...utter crap.
At least that's what Carl Weathers thinks.

That's right, Carl Weathers, best known as the the overbearing yet charming Apollo Creed from the films Rocky 1-19 has decided to enter the ring...the ring of video games.

"I see a future," said Weathers at last weeks GameCom '02 in Scottsdale, AZ., "where videochronics play a more devisive role in the microstesna of our complexicom. A future where the bioconincs of seplisca analysis state are closer than my competitors would like every gamer to know. In this future, one and only one system will rise from the ashes, and that system is the Weathers'box 6000."

Weathers then demonstrated the Weathers'box 6000 by running around it in circles and saying, "Who's gonna get the box? Who's gonna get the box? That's right. Carl."

"What in the hell was that?" said an enraged Steve Watros, XBOX developer. "All he did was run around the thing and act like it was a puppy! The thing's a cardboard box for God's sake!! Does nobody see that? He just scribbled 'Weathers'box 6000' on it in red crayon! And "Microstesna"? "Complexicom"? Those aren't even real words!"

When asked what games were likely to debut on the Weathers'box 6000, a giggling Weathers suddenly hopped off the stage and chased a giant Pokemon around the Hanes convention center.

Lorenzo Lamas, star of the action television show "Renegade" was the topic of conversation this morning at the Weepley Town Center just outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. Over the past few months, farmers have been noticing missing corn from their harvest. Coincidently, the strange dissapearance of the corn coincides with the arrival of the former "Falcon Crest" star.

"It up there was corn gone there no more go!" complained Harry Edwards, the eldest in the small town of Weepley, Nebraska, population of 33.

"Whatever said go corn gone yes. We's gits farm and wheat tires eat sauce." agreed fellow farmer Nashiro Yayuto.

Suddenly, a crazed Lamas darted into the center holding several hardfulls of corn.

"This is MY corn! I picked it and I'M keeping it!" yelled Lamas.

After several seconds of muffled ghasts, 7 year-old British immigrant Lindsey Huppins stood and walked over to Lamas. "Why not we have a grand feast of corn? There's plenty for everyone, even Igsy!"

"Arf!" agreed Igsy the dog.

"I'm...I'm so sorry..," cried Lamas. "I...I just wanted...to be special again...like I was on UPN." The Weepley townfolk then hugged Lorenzo and offered him their forgivness and all was right in Weepley, Nebraska.

On his latest photo expedition, famed russian nature photographer Nikolai Potyeniv made a startling discovery while observing the little known giant penguins south of Antarctica. "I was trying to get good shot of penguins before they dive into water, when I noticed something quite unusual. One of penguins look very familiar to me, but I could not place it. After I zoom in, I am shocked at what I see!" And what exactly did Potyeniv see? "Chavez! It was Chavez!" "But who is 'Chavez'?" Well it's none other than B movie actor extrodinare, Lou Diamond Phillips. "Ohh, Chavez is big star in Russia! All children have long black hair and put knives through their arms!"

Lou Diamond Phillips? Star? But how? Well, the answer to that question is alot easier to come by than one would think. It seems that "Young Guns II" arrived in Moscow's Kmersckt Theater only weeks ago. But what the f*ck's with the penguin suit?

"I just couldn't take the glamour and money and fame anymore, man", said a fishy-breath Phillips. "I mean, people are always wanting something from you. You never know who's 'real' or not. I mean, I'm over at FAO Schwartz last year...all I wanna do is buy these Dragonball Z figures, and this lady's all like, 'Ohh...I need you to sign here'. Need!!?? Like she's gonna die if I don't give her my autograph? 'F you bitch!' I says to her!"

"He paid with a Mastercard, of course I need him to sign", said Cindy Bergman, FAO Schwartz cashier. "And he goes off into this tirade about how no one will 'leave him in peace'. Right. Like that'll make my life, an autograph from La Bamba. Then he takes this wiffle ball bat and starts beating the stuffed animals with it. So I call security, and then as they're dragging him out, he's all like 'See?? I need a police escort just to go in public!' What a nutjob."

"Screw that bitch!" says Phillips. "It's cause of people like her that I moved here. It's all cool though, me and Ernie are gonna start on 'Stand and Deliver 2: Death Pudding' next week. Right Erns?" Ernie the penguin then waddled away from Phillips as fast as he could.

Snorks resent being called "Poor-boy's Smurfs" "That's total horsesh*t!" claims Allstar, self-proclaimed leader of the Snorks. "We're 10 times better than the Smurfs. I mean, they have these little white pants and gay-ass hats. We can breathe underwater! Beat that you little f***ots!"

It's obvious that Allstar and many of the other Snorks are angered by the fact that they are always being compared to the Smurfs, who were the more popular cartoon in the 80's.

Not all of the Snorks, however, have given in to the inferiority complex. "I dunno, "says Dimminy, the now subdued but at one time deemed "happy" Snork. "I try not to think about it. I just go on with my life, day by day. If other imaginary creatures want to compare us with the Smurfs, there's really nothing we can do about that, can we? It's really hardest on Allstar though. He's turned for the worse. Just the other day he was swimming beside Tooter and just swatted him in the back of the head for no reason whatsoever. These are pretty stressful times."

When I asked Allstar about his actions of recent, he was somewhat regretful. "Yeah, I admit...I do get a little angry sometimes...go over the top, but that
f*ckin' Tooter! Always honking and beeping! Learn the freakin' language you dumb motherf*cker!"

"Look," says a calmer, weepier Allstar while sipping his 14th Long Island Iced Tea, "You know, I really don't hate the Smurfs. In many ways both them and Alvin & the Chipmunks paved the way for us. I mean, it's just this image you always have to live up to. It's like, now I totally know what it's gotta be like for Kobe Bryant. Always being compared to the greatest. And how can you top a legend? You can't."

"Honk honk beep!" added Tooter.

Honk honk beep indeed.

When one thinks of the term, "crappy celebrity", there are a few names that immediately come to mind: Scott Baio, Gary Coleman, Joey from Friends (come on, you know it's gonna happen), among a handful of others. For yours truly, however, none can top the crappyness that is, and always will be, the cousins.

From the depths of a boiling hell that few can imagine came Coy and Vance Duke, and what I thought would be the end of the greatest show of all time. The General Lee was always heralded as the real star of the show, but when Bo and Luke Duke were replaced by those minions of Satan, my 5 year old heart was replaced by frozen coal.

Who to blame? What does a 5 year old know of contract negotiations? Should I place the blame on conglomerate CBS for not forking enough over to the stars of the show? Should I blame John Schnieder and Tom Wopat for being too money-grubbing to continue on? Should I play LegosĒ or He-ManĒ, and if I choose Legos, will my brother beat me senseless when he decides I'm a color-blind retard? I didn't know then and I'm not sure I know now, but what I did do was what every other kid in the fall of 1982 did: I smothered the cousins with my Spaghetti-O eating blame.

Was this fair? To blame a couple of struggling actors who are finally getting a break just because they happened to replace my heroes? Some guys that had absolutely nothing to do with the rift between the original Duke boys and CBS? Hell yes it was.

As my own opinions and views have changed time and time again over the last two and a half decades, the one constant evil that has always remained burned in my soul are the names Vance and Coy Duke. May you be pulled over by Rosco and sentenced to life in Hazzard County State Penitentiary.

Steven Segal Voted #1 bad actor with pony tail and boots.
Last week, Steven Segal was on top of the world. "Oh, it was a great week. First, on Monday, I was the 33rd caller on KXRF classic rock for some excellent Eddie Money tickets. I'm such a huge fan of his. Check it, 'Cool cool water! Something something something mexican border!' That man is a god. Anyway, on Wednesday, I ordered a biggie size Frosty from Wendy's and they only charged me for a medium. The kid at the window must've seen the elation on my face when I was paying $0.85 rather than the normal $1.04 because he was about to say something when he was handing me my straw, so I broke his collarbone. Then when I got home, I got the message that I won this award. It was the best week I've had since me and Gary Busey played on the bumper cars during the filming of Under Siege.

"When asked why he thought he was chosen for the award over...umm...some...other actor with a pony tail and boots, Steven said "Nobody messes with Texas." Not suprisingly, that was the last question Steven was asked.

"Yes! It must be him!" For the better part of the last 9 years, Special Agent Charles Mervin has spanned the globe in search of the most feared group of assassins the world has ever known...former cast members of the 80's police drama 21 Jump Street. According to Mervin, all cast members except for one have been neutralized. The only remaining member is the former leader of the group, current Target cart attendant Richard Grieco, a.k.a. #05: Shazzy Aqua Net.

"This photo was taken during a protest 3 days ago outside of Dublin, Ireland." said Mervin. "Our experts have determined that the man in this picture is indeed assassin-for-hire #05: Shazzy Aqua Net. It is the first reported time anyone seen him since October of 1997, where at a White Castle off the New Jersey turnpike he was spotted laughing maniacally while squirting mustard packets at sobbing toddlers. We have every confidence that #05 will be apprehended in the not so distant future. We have alerted British Special Forces and they are assessing the situation."

When asked how he acquired the rest of the 21 Jump Street cast, Mervin responded with a grin, vaguely stating "It's amazing what you can get for $5 and a Clark bar."

As to why it has taken so long to find Grieco, Mervin could only say "He's a highly trained agent. To throw us off, sometimes he'll wear sunglasses...or a hat. There's even a report of him wearing a brown leather jacket instead of a black one. The man is a chameleon. Our only chance is to confiscate every last bottle of hair gel in Europe. We all remember how well that worked in '89, when John Stamos came out of hiding within 45 minutes. If Stamos couldn't make it, there's no way #05 can.

"Rest assured," said Mervin, "I will get Grieco if it's the last thing I ever do. And God help him if he strikes on a Tuesday, cause if I miss Smallville I'll nuke whatever the hell country he's in."

Snake Eyes not mute, just doesn't have much to say.

"I dunno...I mean, with this never-ending war, who really cares what I have to say? I have an important job: blasting robots but narrowly missing my human enemy targets. Who has time for small talk?"

"He says that, but I think there's something else going on inside...something deeper." says friend and superior Flint. "He's been through alot, you know. Back in '84, Dusty organized a surprise party for Snake Eyes, but he sensed intruders and slaughtered everyone in the cabin before realizing there was cake. I'm just lucky I was being severly beaten by Destro at the time, or I'd be duck nibblets."

"I think most people just don't understand him." says Roadblock, a long-time friend of Snake Eyes who curiously always has grenades strapped to his vest. "Once about...oh, I dunno, 5 or 6 years ago, we got this new recruit in who had a deaf sister. So, since Snake isn't talking, this guy just assumes that he's deaf and knows sign language. So this recruit starts signing, and Snake just walks away. But during the night, Snake infiltrated the newly enlisted sleeping quarters and amputated the recruit's limbs. When the kid woke up, the first thing he saw was a note that said 'Try signing now, mother******'. Yeah, it was kinda twisted, but you couldn't help but laugh."

"What people don't realize, is that in most situations, as long as you don't make any sudden moves or look at at him while he's wearing his sister's dresses, he might not kill you."

"When asked about how long the G.I. Joe - Cobra war would go on, Snake Eyes responds: "Look, I'm part of an elite force. In fact, without trying to sound pompous, I'm probably the best special forces has to offer...but until someone is actually hit by enemy fire, this war will never end. How long has it been? 30? 40? 50 years? I can't even remember. And the weird thing? I'm still 32."

Citing interference by Sulu, James Doohan admits he never really gave it all he had.

"Oh, aye. I did tend to exaggerate...but you have to understand, to really have given him (Kirk) all she (enterprise) had, it would've meant that I had to circumvent the rayon tubes, switch the fore-cylinder valves, and open the hydrator vessel. Hard? No, not really. It just that we kept the hydrator vessel in the back of shuttle bay 4, and that's where we chained up George (Mr. Sulu) Takei when the cameras weren't rolling. The look on his face was just depressing, so I never wanted to go back there."

When accused of racism, Doohan responds "No, no. It wasn't that. It was just...well...he...he just would not let up on his ridiculous Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. It was quite horrible, really. And Arnold wasn't even a star yet, which made it that much more odd. Every 30 seconds, it was like 'Oh hey Scotty, let me get those dilution containers for you. I could lift these with my tremendous pectoral muscles you know."

"'George!' we said, "'Impressions are NOT funny when no one has any idea who you're impersonating!' You'd think he would've taken a hint, but he'd just sprint around the bridge yelling "I'm the party pooper!" I shudder to even think about it now. That's why in the movies we've done since the series ended, you'll never see George for more than a few minutes at a time. We all quite despise him."

Sources claim French Stewart has nuclear capabilities.

French Stewart, best known from the sitcom "3rd Rock From The Sun", has weapons of mass destruction, says a makeshift sign hanging on Stewart's front door.

The sign reads: "You will all kneel before me! I have nuclear weapons! If this is the Domino's guy, come around back. For everyone else, prepare to surrender!"

"The guy always was a little bit out there.," says former costar Wayne Knight. "I've been in this business for a lot of years, but French was the only person I've ever known that has an imaginary gerbil for an agent. Yeah, I think it's fair to say that he's a wackjob"

When asked about his reasons for threatening humanity, Stewart responded "No! You talk to Mr. Whipples! Mr. Whipples!!" Stewart then ran and hid under his sofa cushions.

Renegade Admiral Balki destroys Cuba, claims Meepos Capital of Universe

Balki Bartokamos, cousin of famed journalist Larry Appleton of the Chicago Sun Times, once lead a very quaint and meager life in South Chicago. Working as a mail clerk and dating a blonde moron, Balki seemed high on life. But, alas, this was not the case.

Shortly after his firing for what his superiors reffered to "magnificient incompetence", Balki moved out of the apartment he shared with his cousin and vanished off the face of the earth.

"We all just assumed he went back to Meepos, wherever the hell that is", said Appleton circa April 1993. "He came out of nowhere in '86, then dissapeared just as quickly 5 years later. I really miss him, you know. Balki, if you can hear this, I really miss you, pal...and where the f*** is the remote?"

Fast foward nearly 10 years later, and Balki has been found in the least likely of places: Commanding the United States Destroyer, U.S.S. John Paul Jones, which Balki has changed the name to "Super Dimitri", an apparant homage to his stuffed sheep of the same name.

"Oh Super Dimitri! We have crushed the poopies of Cuba! Time for crackers!" cries the Admiral. When asked if he has become a madman, Admiral Balki responds, "Well of course not, don't be ridiculous." He then went on to do the dance of joy for 20 straight minutes before firing upon Greenland.

One of the bloodiest wars ever waged between 2 prolific sitcom families has finally come to a long awaited end.

"FREEEEDOM!!" the cry heard from a weary, wounded but proud Ben Seaver. "Who woulda thought that Boner's jogging shorts would've delivered the final crushing blow? Not me, that's for sure."

For nearly 13 years, The Seavers have been oppressed and humiliated by the tyranny of the San Francisco Tanner clan. In 1989, The Tanners' "Full House" stormed in the homes and hearts of families all over the nation...families that up to that point had loaned their hopes and dreams to the Seavers, only to rip them away for the newest Californian suburbanites.

The Seavers, proud family that they are, tried to keep up pace with introducing a new daughter and the now illustrious Leonardo DiCapprio, but to no avail. As soon as the Tanner regime tasted blood, they invaded the Seaver garage, killing Grandma Seaver's male friend Wally. Soon, an all out onslaught was taking place where Ben had discussed puberty with his father, Jason on very special episode just 3 weeks before.

The blood bath raged on and on, and soon the Seaver household was in shambles. Sacrifices had to be made and daughter Crissy Seaver took to the streets to earn enough money for a meager supply of food for the entire family. Carol developed polio, but even on Crissy's best night, the hospital bills were overwhelming.

The Seavers fought gallantly for nearly 13 acrimonious years, but when they found out that Uncle Jesse had twin boys, all hope in the Seaver house dissipated.

Then, a savior bestowed upon them Boner's jogging shorts.

At first, a befuddled Maggie Seaver said "What the hell are we going to do with these? My daughter has %^$@#& polio!"

But then the shorts flew off, and the next thing the Seavers knew, the Tanners were calling for a truce.

"I don't know what those shorts did, and I don't care," said an alacritas Mike Seaver. "All I know is, Uncle Joey has been decapitated so I never have to hear that stupid *&@^#% woodchuck voice again."

Surprisingly, the normally volatile Danny Tanner agreed with the terms of the treaty and signed quickly and without complaint. The war was over. The Seavers were free again.

"We never thought we'd be free again, but here we are." said Jason Seaver. When informed that the bodies of the Olsen Twins were never found, Jason responds, "Look, we have today. We can't go on living in fear...but I'm getting some rabid pit bulls, just in case."

CrappyCelebrity.com's first annual Holiday-Ski-Away quickly turns into feverish manhunt.

The first annual CrappyCelebrity.com Holiday-Ski-Away, which began with camaraderie and auspiciousness, quickly escalated into an all-out manhunt for former "Busom Buddy" Peter Scolari.

"I don't know what happened" said a bewildered Jan Michael Vincent. "I just came over to the picnic area to make a sandwich, and out of nowhere Scolari runs up screaming and takes the mustard right out of my hand and runs off. I was just...well, shocked."

Soon, the remainder of the Ski-Away party, including Shelly Long, Zeus and Mr. Belding from "Saved by the Bell" discovered what had happened and formed a search party.

"Nobody take my Dijon!" said a visibly shaken Zeus.

After equipping rifles, climbing gear and Pringles Cheez-UmsĒ, the remainder of the stars headed off in to the forbidding cold in search of Scolari.

After hours of monotonous searching, however, the group could find no trace whatsoever of the former "Newhart" star.

"Maybe Airwolf picked him up, hahaha" joked a lackadaisical Mr. Belding. Jan Michael Vincent was not amused and socked Belding in the nose, bringing the fictional Principal to tears.

After a few more hours had passed, the group decided to head back to camp due to both the abysmal weather and Shelley Long's incessant story telling.

"Oh, I remember back in '86 when my character, Dianne Chambers...who won an Emmy, as if you didn't know...went to France with Frasier and..." "Hey Shelley, "said Zeus, "I think I just saw an Oscar statue over there." "WHERE??!!" "Over there, behind that rock. I'll show you."

Zeus then led Shelley behind the large rock where a loud thud was heard. Seconds later Zeus returned to Vincent and Belding.

"Where's Shelley?" asked Belding. Zeus simply responded with a shrug and the remainder of the group continued on their way.

Seconds later, to the surprise of the freezing stars, Scolari wandered in front of the group with mustard in hand muttering "Life is like a box of chocolates...life is like a box of chocolates...stupid Hanks!"

The group of B-stars, however, decided to let Scolari go his way.

"Hey," says Vincent, "we were pissed at first, but that guy's got some severe issues. Better to leave him alone."

"Hey!" an enthusiastic Belding yelled. "Dustin Diamond's got a cave around here. He'll have freezy pops!"

This story continues on into an insanity that I can't even bring back...I'm letting this one go.

For 3 horrific hours, Muffins the cat sat atop an old Dutch elm tree in suburban Maryland paralyzed with fear. All hope was lost, and 87 year-old Edna Wilbaum was preparing to chamber Muffins' fatal rounds into her Browning M2HB when out of nowhere swooped down character actor Henry Winkler.

"Talllyhooo!!!!" cried Winkler as he flew from the heavens to rescue the trembling kitty.

"I was so scared" said Wilbaum, wearing the same robe she's had on since the Bay of Pigs. "Muffins is my whole life. If I never saw her again, I don't know what I would've done. Well, yeah, I guess I probably would've gotten another cat."

But thanks to the quick thinking of The Waterboy star, Wilbaum can go now rest easy and continue to shave mini crop circles into Muffins, as she does every Tuesday night during "Frasier"

And what of the heroics of the almighty Winkler? Well, he had vanished just as quickly as he came, and the only proof is a photo taken by a man who looks astonishingly like Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino.

"Oh!" cried Wilbaum, "I so wish he would've stayed around. That boy from Happy Days can expect a whole mess of Edna's famous macadamia nut cookies, I tell you what!."

Sadly, Edna Wilbaum was crushed by a stray low-income housing development, and Winkler never received the cookies.

Oddly, the so-called "nicest guy in Hollywood" was anything but. "What a stupid bitch" said a visibly angered Winkler. "I save her cat and she lies about cookies. I'm glad she's dead"

Winkler then flew off to the for a 3 episode deal as the crazed Iranian farmer Mr. Moofslah on the hit series "George Lopez".

Reports have recently surfaced that 35th president John F. Kennedy was in cahoots with supervillian The Penguin.

In the photo, dated late 1962, both Kennedy and The Penguin can be seen with what experts believe to be the fabled killer robot "Gigantor" which some theorists proclaim to be the origin of the Bay of Pigs standoff.

"When you think about it," says conspiracy theorist/Dairy Queen cashier Frank Trayley, "why else would the Russians have built silos in Cuba? They knew about Gigantor, duh. It's so obvious. And the Penguin's involvement...well it just all fits together now, don't it?"

The Penguin, now semi-retired in serene Lake Tahoe, denies the allegations.

"Please," Penguin says. "If I had a giant killer robot, you think I'd be caddying for Joey Lawrence? If I hear that stupid *&#@ say 'Whoa!' one more time, I'm gonna burn his retinas. And as for JFK, although I did admire his style, I never met the man. I was far too busy trying to decide which one of my three-scheme "Wheel O' Fun" ViewMasters to pounce onto Batman and his...umm...'friend'". You know what I mean by 'Friend'? You know, with my fingers doing quote signals? You know, like 'friends'? Huh? Get it? What's up with that?"

But what about the photo?

"Oh easy." says Penguin. "That's obviously the work of some graphic designer in Eden Prairie, Minnesota with nothing better to do than to write fictional stories about celebrities."

"Shit!" booms a mysterious voice out of nowhere.

"I got a hole in one! Whoa!" says a nearby Joey Lawrence. Penguin proceeded to chase him into a sand bank with a putter.

PDA haunted by virtual Dennis Hopper

The disembodied head of Dennis Hopper has chosen a strange place to hang out, says Account Executive Ross Schneider of Redding, Virgina.

"He haunts my PDA." claims Schneider." I know it's sounds insane, but just take a look."

Indeed, right before our eyes, appears the floating head of Dennis Hopper.

"Hey man! What's going on? You want me to find some files or something, man?" says Hopper.

"He was kinda funny at first." says Schneider. "I'd be all stressed out trying to organize my work, and suddenly his head would appear with that big 'ol grin and he'd say "What's up, man?". You couldn't help but laugh. Now, after a few months, he's just kind of a pain in the ass. He's always forgetting where my files are, accidentally deleting my contacts...it's really aggravating. He says he's sorry and all, and I believe he truly feels bad...but hell."

"I'm sorry man. I just forget things." says Hopper. "I'm so scatterbrained sometimes you know man? Hey, you gonna eat those chips?"

"Sometimes I think, yeah, it is pretty cool. I mean, at least I'm different" says Schneider. "He could've haunted anybody's PDA, and he chose mine, so that kinda makes me feel good, in a weird way I guess."

"Hey man. You know where my legs are? They're like, gone man. Whoa! You can draw stuff on this thing? Check it out man, I just drew a freakin' cow. Awesome."

Public befuddled about Baio stamp

"This is just too hard!" says Elenor Jinski of Eagle Creek, PA.

"On one hand, the late 70's Scott Baio was soooo dreamy, but by the mid 90's, he had really established himself as a tremendous actor. How are we supposed to choose which one will be immortalized?"

This is the debate going on around the US. After legends like Elvis, James Dean, and Cary Grant, the United States Postal Service were looking to add another legend to the collection. They didn't need to look hard.

"It really didn't take us very long", said Eastern Regional Manager Ted Bachman. "We were looking to add another rebelious type of personality, and really, Scott popped right into my mind. I mean, he was the quinessential rebel in the late 70's...well, in a feminine, harmless, poofy sort of way."

"No no no", interrupts Brooks Magetty, Bachman's Western counterpart. "Scott was great in the 70's, no doubt about that, but his portrayal of "Charles" from "Charles in Charge" as well as "Dr. Jack Stewart" of "Diagnosis: Murder" really cemented him not only in American entertainment lore, but as an icon all over the world."

The public has until September 28, 2003 to vote online at the US Postal Service website.

Craig T. Nelson insists he's still on TV.

At the annual "Coach" reunion party this year, held as always at the Godfather's Pizza outside of Punktin, Indiana, the former cast members reminisced about the glory days when they were all big-time celebrities. Then, the former star of the hit show, Craig T. Nelson, made a startling statement:

"Well, I'm still on TV...". said Nelson.

After about 5 solid minutes of laughter died down, Nelson insisted. "I am! It's called 'The District'! It's on Saturday nights!"

"Suuurrre" replied a caustic Bill Fagerbakke, who played the slow-witted but lovable athletic trainer "Dauber" on the show.

"I don't know why he lies like that", added Shelly Fabares, who played Nelson's on-screen to-be-wife, Christine. "There's nothing wrong with not being in 'the business' anymore. Most of us had to get real jobs after the show ended."

But Nelson insists. "Pick up a T.V. Guide! Look, Saturday night, 10 p.m. Eastern. 'The District'. See?"

"Whatever". says Jerry Van Dyke, another star of the show. "Is that why you drive that kick ass 94' Accord?"

"My Audi's in the shop!" screeched Nelson. "It's just a loaner!"

"Ohh look!" interrupts Fagerbakke. "He IS still on TV! Check it. 1:15 a.m. on TBS. 'Action Jackson'".

The group roared in laughter while Nelson flipped them off and ran out of Godfather's Pizza crying.

"Ahhh, it's like that every reunion." says Van Dyke. "He'll be back next year."

"$&^# YOU!!!" screamed a tearful Nelson as he puttered away in his "loaner" Accord.